Lesson 2: peer pressure comes from within

I realized that I never defined "we" from my first post. We is Karolena, Christine, Chrissie, Aviva and myself, Arielle. We lived in the same dorm at the former women’s college of a major state university. And we met the first night that the freshmen were in the dorms. Each of us drew conclusions about the others from first impressions…and we quickly learned how misleading first impressions can be.

I don’t know exactly when it happened- there were a series of events that pushed us together and others that forged strong bonds of friendships between us. Years later my therapist told me that we had an unhealthy group dynamic in which we thought as one entity, acted as one entity and persuaded the others to do things we would have never normally done on our own.

I was just talking to a friend about this dynamic – the force that seems to have caused us to feel think and do as one being – a mob mentality, perhaps? Whatever it was, it was dangerous and while I miss some of those friendships, I don’t miss the constant intensity with which we lived.

I feel somewhat obligated to write this, even if no one reads it, even if it doesn’t make it to print…even if I lose interest half way and just have random shit written down…it will be worth it. Selfishly, I believe it’ll be cathartic. Selflessly, I want others who experience what we did – on whatever level- to know that it is possible to bounce back.

We used to say that we were wastes of life, that we’d hit rock bottom. Unfortunately, we were wastes of life by our own choice and our own effort. You have no idea how hard it is to have no ambition. It really takes a concerted effort to do nothing with your life. And the guilt… it’s easier to push it towards the back of your mind if you are constantly in an altered state. And we all discovered, alone, that there are levels of self-loathing far below rock bottom.

The idea for "the book" started as a self help type, a warning, a wakeup call to the potential of college realities that high school and your parents never prepare you for. What it is now… I’m not quite sure. But whatever it is, I hope it’s useful to someone.